September Wrap-Up: Reverse Harems, Supernatural Romances & a Graphic Novel?

Photo by Syd Wachs on Unsplash

Cool breezes and falling leaves. Woodsy fires and fresh baked bread. Cocooned in used book stores and sipping sweet milky tea.

Welcome to the transitional month of shifting seasons. Welcome to the most wonderful time of year filled with crisp mornings, magical musings and all things creepy crawly horror. If you haven’t seen my Reverse Harem Horror TBR, make sure to check that out. I’m slowly picking my way through the books on that list. 

This month I have a few seasonally specific reads with a few eclectic picks that infiltrated my reading list. 

The Fae Chronicles by Amelia Hutchins (1-3) // Supernatural Romance

Have you ever heard of the old Celtic legends of the Fae – beautiful, magical, deadly and a love of messing with humans just for kicks and giggles?

Welcome to my world.

What started out as a strange assignment, leads to one of the most gruesome murder mysteries of our times and my friends and I are set and determined to find out who is killing off Fae and Witches alike.
Couple of problems in the way – I hate the Fae and the Prince of the Dark Fae is bound and determined that I work for him. He’s a rude, overbearing egotistical ass with a compulsive need to possess, dominate and control me. Oh – did I mention that he is absolutely sex-on-a-stick gorgeous and he makes me feel things that I never ever wanted to feel for a Fae…every time he touches me or looks at me with those golden eyes seems to pull me further in under his spell, despite my better judgment.
My friends and I can’t trust anyone and nothing is as it seems on the surface – not even me.

Warning: Mature content and language not intended for anyone under the age of eighteen.

This book is not intended for anyone under the age of 18, or anyone who doesn’t like lip biting, throw your ass on the bed, tear your clothes off and leave you panting dominant alpha male characters. This is a dark, dangerous, intense, gritty and raw read. Scenes are dark, disturbing, and scorching HOT. This book is a soul crushing, tear jerking, and leave you hanging on the edge of your seat fast paced book.

What its about: Young twenty-one (I think) year old Synthia is a witch who works for the guild. She is also a fairly powerful witch with a personal grievance against the Fae, who just happen to be the contractors for her next assignment. Unfortunately the Dark Fae is sex incarnate, and life as she knows it is about to change. Nothing is as it seems.

What I liked: The writing style, world building and magical structure are all very solidly thought out and well constructed. I really enjoyed the unfolding of the Fae Realm and the characteristics of the witches magic. It reads more like an adult fantasy, and even though the MC is in her early twenties (I think), her personality and the experiences she lives through are more adult themed.

What I didn’t like: The Romance. Honestly, that’s not quite fair. I genuinely loved the characters, and felt like each was 3 dimensional in their goals/desires. However, the romance between the MC and her dude rode a thin line between Enemies to Lovers/BDSM Dom/Sub and straight abuse. In the author’s defense, she does worn us of this in her book blurb. I just wasn’t expecting the icky feeling I got while reading some of the “romantic” interactions.

With that being said, the sexy scenes weren’t exactly my favorite. I’ll be honest, I skipped over a few, but if you’re the kind of reader who enjoys aggressively dominant male dirty talk then this is the series for you!

Overall thoughts: 3.5 Stars. I really enjoyed the world building and the characters in this book. The plot has fallen a little flat for me as I’ve set it aside in the middle of book 4, but up to that point, I enjoyed the story. I do think the author really missed an opportunity for this to be a reverse harem romance book because the first love and new demon friend would have made great additions to the couple, but I digress.

The Grimm Cases by Lyla Oweds (1-4) // RH 18+

The things I see aren’t for the faint of heart.

And I am no longer willing to ignore them. Not even when my family, and my best friend, tell me to keep quiet about what’s happening. They say people will think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am.

But the spirit haunting my professor’s house is definitely trying to tell me something, and I’m the only one who can see it.

The one person who can help me is my best friend’s brother. But I don’t know if I can trust him or his friends. Or if I can step outside the protective bubble I’ve built around myself.

At this point it’s a toss up: the ghosts will kill me or my panic attacks will.

Either way, I figure I’m going to die.

What it’s about: Bianca is a 19 year old medium with a traumatic past that has left her with near crippling anxiety. She’s finally fed up with seeing ghosts and having no one believe her, so she brings it up to her best friend. When he denies her claims, she turns to her best friend’s brother who she remembers has an interest in the supernatural. The mystery only unfolds from there as a supernatural world unfolds in front of Bianca’s eyes, and she’s more a part of it than she ever thought possible.

What I liked: I am not normally a fan of the slow burn, slow plot reveal, but this book does it in such a way that I am literally devouring every page. While the books are short, I still felt like I blinked and all four books were in a heap on the floor, my fingers itching and eye twitching as I fight the impending sadness of waiting for the next book.

The characters are so lovable, and they each have their own hang ups. Bianca, our MC, is such a messed up weirdo that it makes for some really comedic moments and engaging writing. Each of the potential harem members illicit genuine emotional responses, and I LOVE the interwoven themes of Chinese mythology. The reincarnation and Chinese symbols are beautiful elements that I knew little about before reading this book.

What I didn’t like: The ridiculously slow pacing is frustrating at times, but it’s one of those love to hate situations. I’m not really all that upset about it.

Overall thoughts: 4.5 Stars. If you’re looking for steamy sexy scenes and no cliff hangers, this book may not be the one for you, but if you can withstand the impending drug addict traits, I highly recommend this book as a spooky(ish) Fall read.

Gangs and Ghosts by Katie May // Creepy(ish)-Horror RH

When I was three-years-old, I was found homeless in the woods, alone and feral.

When asked how I survived all of those years by myself, I had one answer: the Shadow Man.

I have no memory of that time. No memory of anything, really, before the accident. I rely on stories from my fathers about this supposed imaginary friend.

Got into a fight at school? The Shadow Man made me. Stole from a store? He forced me to. Snuck out of the house? He came with me.

I had almost completely forgotten about him.

Until I move into the horror house – the house rumored to be a gateway to hell. Strange things keep happening, and I am helpless to prevent them.

More importantly, people keep dying.

Particularly, people that harm me.

It’s already a struggle to survive a new high school and town (including the attention of a dangerous gang), but now I have to survive ghosts too?

One thing becomes clear:

The Shadow Man wants me to come home.

What it’s about: Our 17 year old MC is one of three adopted kids to gay parents. They move into this new house in the middle of the school year, and strange things start happening. People that are mean to the MC start coming up dead, and she finds bloody clothing in her room. Not to mention that she is approached by a guy who claims to know a lot but disappears without another trace, and now her little sister is acting strange. There are a whole lot of questions with barely any answers until the very end, when our MC is forced to confront the Shadow Man’s handiwork.

What I liked: The writing style was really enjoyable, and there were a few creepy moments that maintained a believability throughout. The characters were fairly interesting, and I was intrigued by the more mysterious questions that the plot posed.

What I didn’t like: Everything was a little predictable, and the climatic reveal at the end of the book fell a little flat because of this.

Overall thoughts: 3 Stars. While this was an overall enjoyable read, I do not feel compelled to continue reading the series.

Red’s Alphas by M.H. Soars // Supernatural RH

I’ve been a city girl my entire life. But when my grandmother got sick, I didn’t think twice before packing my bags and moving to Crimson Hollow, a small town in West Virginia. Two years later, I’m still here and finally adjusting to the quiet life.

Only there’s nothing ordinary about this town.

A walk in the woods proved almost deadly and left me changed forever. I was attacked by a rogue wolf, and now, I belong to the Crimson Hollow pack. I’m a shifter.

To make matters worse, my arrival in the pack created a rift among the wolves, making it impossible to tell friend from foe, including the three alpha’s sons who have taken a keen interest in me. If dealing with all that wasn’t enough, wolves are disappearing. We must discover who is behind it, or there won’t be a pack left to fight over.

What it’s about: Our MC is an 18/19 (I think) year old girl who moved to this small little town to take care of her sick grandmother. She winds up going into the forest and getting attacked by a wolf. What she doesn’t know is that it was a shifter, and now she has become one too. Thus introduces a whole host of pack politics that she must now navigate, not to mention the three sexy alpha sons who each have confusing emotional reactions to her. What does it mean? And why does she feel drawn to all three of them?

What I liked: I’m not normally one who enjoys Fairy Tale retellings, but this one was actually really enjoyable. The plot had elements of predictability that hid from the real plot twists, and the prophecy trope was remade with fun characters and a supernatural twist.

What I didn’t like: It seems to be the set up for a supernatural/sci-fi story, and this could either be done really well or pretty poorly. It sounds like it will be interesting, but I’m hesitant to give a solid 4 stars without knowing if this weaving of genres is going to be successful or not.

Overall thoughts: 3.5 Stars. A solid enjoyable experience with good sexy scenes and a cute storyline.

Raising Hell by L.D. Graham // Supernatural RH

What would you do to save the soul of a person you loved?

Summon the Devil?
Offer your life and soul in return for theirs?
Agree to let Hell’s generals live in your home?

Well…check, check, and CHECK.

When I learned my mother had inadvertently sentenced her soul to a lifetime in Hell, I summoned The Devil to make a trade…her soul for mine. But The Devil is a tricky bastard…they don’t call him The Devil for nothing. And instead of my offered deal he countered with one of his own: turn one of his generals into Hell’s next ruler and Mama’s soul debt would be wiped clean… paid in full so to speak. However, if I fail…well, if I fail he gets two for the price for one.

Stupid, right? Yeah, I know; which is exactly why I agreed to his deal. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the toolbox. So join me as I race against the clock to complete The Devil’s task so I can, not only, save my mother’s soul but also my own.

It shouldn’t be that hard. I just have to do all this while busting my ass to keep the magic that is rightfully mine while improving seven moody generals. I don’t know if I thought this over as well I should have; but you know what they say… C’est la vie!

What it’s about: Our witchy MC has absolved the power from her dead adopted mother, making her the most powerful witch in existence. She drunkenly summons the Devil, making a deal with him to save her mother’s soul, thus landing her with the Devil’s 7 commanders. She must decide which of them will be the devil’s new second in command, or she will forfeit her own soul for the role.

What I liked: The dialogue in this book is very solid and helps motivate the story along while also adding to the characterization. Our MC is a borderline alcoholic with some anger issues, so this opens a lot of funny moments and silly ramblings. I enjoy her character, and I love the queer representation in the harem. It’s a little bisexual dream! (lol)

What I didn’t like: While I enjoyed the dialogue, I felt at times that there was too much, as if I was just reading pages of dialogue with no setting or visuals of what was happening to these talking heads.

Overall thoughts: 3 Stars. The creativity and originality of the plot combined with the variety of the harem made me want to keep reading this book, but I never quite connected with the MC.

*This book was recommended to me by the author themselves. No compensation was exchanged for the book or the review. All thoughts are my own.

Terra Nova by MtG // YA Supernatural/SciFi

Evangeline is living the life of a normal teenager-going to school and hanging out with friends-until mysterious, severe symptoms begin appearing. After passing out in the middle of a party, life as she knows it spirals beyond her grasp. She is then diagnosed with a rare, genetic blood disorder that causes her body’s white blood cells to kill the red ones. In the delirium of her deteriorating health, a door to a parallel world opens before her; however, once she steps through it, the portal closes, and she is unable to return to Earth.

The place Evangeline now finds herself in is called Terra Nova, a world wherein vampires rule supreme, with no traces of humanity left to speak of. Curious but afraid, she quickly learns that Terra Nova is not the shadow-side of Earth, but rather the tragic result of government experimentation. In order to survive, she must keep her mind open and accept the changes her body is undergoing; soon enough, those who she initially thinks are murderers become her trainers, whose help she must enlist if she ever hopes to return home-and soon enough, a romantic bond begins to bloom.

Meanwhile, Evangeline’s brother and friends back on Earth try to figure out what happened to her, and how the government is involved, and how to bring her home. Unbeknownst to any of them is the mysterious outcast Bambi, whose secrecy disguises her power in making a devastating choice: save one world at the risk of destroying the other….

What it’s about: Evangeline is our MC. She experienced a strange occurrence in her childhood, making her witness to the possibility of another world with strange grey skinned creatures. After being diagnosed with a blood disorder, she decides she wants to see if her childhood memories were true. After successfully entering this alternate world, she learns that vampires are not what she may have thought, and she has to decide between saving herself or this alternate world.

What I liked: This book is beautifully written. The language was indicative of an adult fiction, borderline literary. I’m impressed with how many genre elements this author wove into a cohesive and enjoyable story. The characters were really what drove the stakes for this story and kept me wanting to know more.

What I didn’t like: The pacing was fairly slow, and the plot itself was very simple.

Overall thoughts: There are hints of sci/fi and supernatural that blend into the whole fantasy, and it never felt strange of stilted. If you enjoy a fantastical tale that makes you consider life and your own mortality, leaving you longing for answers, then you will definitely enjoy this book.

*This book was sent to me for free in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts are my own.

Deadly Class by Remender, Craig & Loughridge // Dark Graphic Novel

It’s 1987. Marcus Lopez hates school. His grades suck. The jocks are hassling his friends. He can’t focus in class. But the jocks are the children of Joseph Stalin’s top assassin, the teachers are members of an ancient league of assassins, the class he’s failing is “Dismemberment 101,” and his crush has a double-digit body count. Welcome to the most brutal high school on earth, where the world’s top crime families send the next generation of assassins to be trained. Murder is an art. Killing is a craft. At Kings Dominion School for the Deadly Arts, the dagger in your back isn’t always metaphorical.

What it’s about: This is a graphic novel that follows a homeless teen filled with rage and revenge. He is scooped up by a villain/vigilante high school, and is tasked with his first kill. Things don’t go exactly to plan.

What I liked: The art was absolutely beautiful! FREAKING loved the evolution of the darker themes contrasted with the vibrant images. I’m new to graphic novels, so I honestly don’t have anything to compare this one too. It was just a really quick read that left me wanting more.

What I didn’t like: Too short!

Overall thoughts: 5 Stars. Great autumn/halloween read with darker themes (drugs/abuse) and a beautiful artistic rendering of what it was like to be a homeless teen in the 80s.

Lightly Spooky – Writing Prompt #1

It was never my intention to wake up facedown in the wet grass of my neighborhood cemetery, but intention has never been my friend.

Photo by Neven Krcmarek on Unsplash

Brainstorming- Creepy, spooky vibes. Comedic/dry humor. Beginning scene.

Jordan’s Take – It was never my intention to wake up facedown in the wet grass of my neighborhood cemetery, but intention has never been my friend. I rolled over, the morning dew seeping through my thin shirt. Squinting into the sunrise, I sifted through the jagged pieces of my memory. The hot flush of embarrassment was quickly consumed by the ripe stench of fear, but I couldn’t pinpoint if it was my own or someone else’s.

Pushing off the wet earth, I fought a bout of nausea as I scooted my back to a headstone.

“Edward Jenkins,” I read aloud, my voice a throaty whisper. Filing that beat of context away for later digestion, I cleared my throat and continued, “1806-1849. Father, Son & Lover.”

As I got lost in the musings of Edward’s potential life, I didn’t notice the unnatural stillness that blanketed the crisp morning air. I barely registered the gliding form out of the corner of my eye. My addled brain disappointed with sluggish reaction, and I didn’t have time to scream before the gurgle of my own blood was filling my slashed throat.

Hello Beautiful Humans!

I hope you enjoyed this little snippet of a scene. I really think it could be some kind of cool supernatural mystery horror flick. This MC is either going to be one lucky son-of-a-bitch or one poor unfortunate soul. I would love to see what you guys come up with for this writing prompt, or take my scene and run with it further!

Hope all is well. Stay safe, and I’ll chat with you in the next one!

How to be a Better Idealist in a Realist Kind of World

Photo by Rachel Meenan Photography (@rrachoww)

Recently, I’ve had it relayed to me that I’m a dreamer, an idealist. Put a pen and notebook in my hands and diagnose me a lifelong list maker, a chronic concept creator. As someone who has been over analytical about themselves and the world around them for as long as they can remember, I have a deep awareness of my love affair with planning and dreaming up wonderful moments to experience.

I’ve often romanticized myself as an “idea woman,” but the person who brought this to my attention used it as ammunition against me. Claiming that my dreams do harm, that I’m a disappointment when I sweep people up into my grand plans and fall through on their execution. My dreams are painful to others, and I should be more guarded with sharing them.

This notion that my idealism can harm the people I care about has stuck with me ever since, shaking the very foundation of who I am as a person and making me question the numerous ideas that I haven’t followed through with. I mean, when your mind races as quickly as mine does, you have to come to an early realization that there just isn’t enough lifetimes to fulfill all of them.

It made me question how I make decisions and how I treat my relationships, and while this person’s words hurt, the perspective brought me to a place of growth and questioning. I’d like to share that with the other planners and dreamers and idealists with a collection of notebooks outlining the life they want to live and the person they want to be.

Be Honest With Yourself (and those around you)

The planning process is the most exciting (for me), and it’s so easy to get swept up in the endless amount of research. Spending countless hours finding the best or most effective or most interesting way to do the thing, but you have to be honest with yourself. If you’re plans are genuinely just a way to escape and dream, embrace that and enjoy it for what it is, but don’t let yourself down by making grand plans that are beyond your realm of possibility. Listen to your internal dialogue and recognize the difference between a “cool idea” and a “this-is-amazing-lets-put-everything-into-it-and-make-it-happen idea.”

Don’t Get Lost in Your Dreams

I genuinely have a collection of nearly twenty-seven notebooks (along with my digital clutter) filled with half baked business ideas, unfinished stories, and outlines for adventure travel. I’ve crafted the same nutrition and fitness plan a hundred different ways, and I’m still soft with oily hair. Setting the framework for an idea is wonderful and important, but if it stays in a list or locked inside the crinkling pages of a ten year old notebook, you’ll never get the exhilarating climax of a fulfilled dream.

Pull the Flippin’ Trigger

Which brings me to my final point, and the hardest one of all. There comes a point in time when you have to realize that there is no such thing as a “perfect moment.” You will never be completely prepared, and you will never be able to foresee potential bumps in the road. Do it anyway. You’ve dreamed, you’ve outlined. Pull the safety off the gun and just pull the flipping trigger. You’ll never be more than “idealist” if you don’t. You don’t want to make it to the end of their life with a closet full of notebooks and an unsurprised friend who never thought you’d do it anyway.

Perfectionism Will End Your Career

If you want to be a creator in 2020, you’re going to have to give up the idea of perfection. No one is perfect when they start. You need the learning process of trying and failing to become great in anything you do. 


I severely struggle with the idea of putting my thoughts and opinions online. I love the idea of making a living and having the freedom to create impactful content and network with like minded people, but the reality is incredibly daunting. The fact remains that people can be brutal and an evolution of skill is not always easily perceived by the faceless void of content consumers.

Does this fear of failure mean you should give up?

Yes.

It means you need to give up your fear of failure. Give up your perfectionism. You have to try and fail a thousand times to be good or even great at something. There will be hesitation and self criticism. Even worse, there will be criticism from outside forces, but if you really want to be a content creator/ blogger/ anythingreally, you have to create and keep creating.

One day, the seemingly inconsequential consistencies will have created a success.

You can do it. I can do it.

There’s nothing stopping us except our fears.

Be scared, but do it anyway.

How to Start a Business When You’re Young and Broke

There is a current surge of entrepreneurs. With the growth of social media and young people making careers out of “influencer” status and youtube channels, it’s easy to romanticize capitalizing off of your personal brand. If Gary Vaynerchuk is right, we are all headed towards this type of business anyway, and if you’re not on the personal brand train, you’ll be left in the dust.

Does this mean that small business is dead? Is it better to build a purely social career?

Nope, not at all.

Social media is merely a tool in the toolbox, marketing and communicating product and service to the consumer, but it’s more important now than ever that brands have integrity and strength in who they are and what they represent.

So, how then, does an average ordinary Jo start a business with no money and a whole lot of “what ifs?”

Self employment and entrepreneurship are not for the faint of heart. There will be sacrifice. It will be physically and emotionally draining. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life, and there is a potential that you might fail.

Great, now that we’ve weeded out the few who would have broken under the pressure, let’s talk about the how.

How do you start a business when you’re young and broke?

You have to spend money to make money. There is no getting around this one, but there are a few ways you can get the money to start your project.

When I owned my gym at 18, I was very fortunate and privileged to be in a position where two people around me invested in the business. Together we started the CrossFit gym with $10k and a one year lease in a strip center for $800 a month. That’s a fairly modest start up cost, but not when you’re young and broke as I currently am now.

At 25, I’ve found myself back in debt, struggling to find a part time job to fit my school schedule and an empty feeling of failure every time my boyfriend buys us dinner or groceries or fills up my gas tank. His reasons are two fold. He loves taking care of me, but he also knows that I need it. Poverty is shackling, and it’s painful to know that without him, I couldn’t take care of myself.

(Obviously, there are many extenuating circumstances surrounding my current situation, but I won’t bore you with the details.)

Over the last few years, I’ve managed to build up my credit, and I have an open limit of around $30k. I paid off my car with my last job, and my only monthly expenses are insurance, adobe suite, food/gas and credit card payments. (I’m around $6k in debt)

When it comes to “how much?” money you need when starting a business. It just really depends on the business. My current venture should be under $3k in start up costs plus I found a really good deal on rent. ($700 and the space is big enough for 2 people to utilize, so I’ll have help with the rent)

If you are young and broke and wanting to start a business, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Figure out how much money you need to start up, and go through your list of options.

  • Ask a wealthy family/friend for a loan
  • Talk to a bank about a loan
  • Utilize your credit cards (Be careful doing this, make sure you can afford your minimums and never bury yourself deeper than you could crawl out of)
  • Pick up a part-time job and SAVE ALL OF IT until you’re ready to launch
  • Start a crowdfunding campaign (You never know?)

Time and circumstance are really the deciding factors for which one of these options you decide to utilize.

Okay, money is figured out. Now what?

Licensing.

Research your city/state regulations for whatever business you are dreaming about. Make sure you have a very clear understanding about the legal structure of your business before investing time and money in something that will only fall through because of your lack of planning.

Questions to ask yourself.

  • What type of business structure am I going to use? LLC? Sole Proprietor?
  • What business license do I need? What does this entail?
  • What specialized licensing do I need? Beer & Alcohol? Therapist license? Marijuana license? Etc.
  • What building permits or building specs are required?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. It’s just a jumping off point to get you started.

So, in laments terms, you’ve figure out your business structure and licensing requirements. You’ve determined a budget and how you’ll fund that budget. Now’s the part that you really can’t prepare for.

Jump.

Take the risk.

Embrace the fear of the unknown. Embrace the failure and the stress of starting something from scratch and tearing your way through all the adversity and the thousands of other people trying to make a living doing the same thing that you’re doing.

Be patient. Find a rhythm in the daily grind of working to make it happen.

If you never pull the trigger, you can guarantee that you will NEVER be successful, but if you close your eyes and take the shot, you might very well hit the bullseye. (Or at least the target) The best part is that once you get used to shooting, you’ll keep going until you’ve made it because truly passionate people hell bent on making their dreams a reality don’t stop until they’ve made it. (or they’ve found a new dream)

P.S. Marketing is a whole world in and of itself. I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, but communication/marketing are constantly evolving. I honestly still don’t have any idea how to further marketing besides “word-of-mouth,” so I’m not one to give advice in this lane. If you’re interested in a media driven marketing ideal, check out Gary Vaynerchuk.

Why I’m Not Scared to Start a Brick and Mortar Business

I just signed a 14 month lease for the boutique wellness center I’m bringing to Spokane, WA. The leasing agent jokingly asked me why I was signing the lease when I hadn’t finished licensing paperwork or even finished massage therapy school. He asked, “Aren’t you afraid?”

Being a young female, my bias immediately wondered if he would have asked the same question to my older male counterpart, but I swallowed my feminism and laughed him off.

“I used to own a gym in Georgia,” I replied, “I’m nervous, but I love it.”

I didn’t realize how true that statement was until the following few days when the endless lists of supplies, finances and diversified streams of revenue kept streaming through my mind, but that guy was right.

I should be terrified.

Starting a business is a terrifying thing. There’s financial investment, time and emotional commitment, and it could all fail. I could make no money and be stuck paying $10k to a building manager that couldn’t care less about me.

The funny thing, though.

I’m not scared at all. I couldn’t be more excited for the potential threat of failure. Success can mean so many different things, and I have a passion, excitement, drive and growing network that will put my wellness center into the path of success that I define for myself.

Successful business takes sacrifice, hard work, a little luck and a whole lot of head down eyes forward grind. If you want it bad enough, you don’t stop until success is the only thing left.

What kind of feelings do you have about business? Entrepreneurship? Terrified or excited by the unknown?

Gratitude and Joy will make you Happier

Depression has a way of creeping under your skin, and stripping your muscles from your bones, replacing your parts with shame and exhaustion. Moments are spent frustrated by your own lack of care and wondering if you’ll ever be able to truly feel happy again, but this quest for happiness is the wrong way to look at things.

Happiness is a weak emotion, fleeting and finicky. Happiness is not a destination but a pit stop on this road trip of life, and it isn’t something that is just hanging on the street corner, waiting to be found. Curated happiness is not the same thing as joy, and finding it is much easier than this abstract idea of “happy.”

Joy is the gut filling emotion you get when you look at the person you love. It’s the uncontrollable smile on your lips when you inhale the crisp clean winter air. You find it when your conscious mind is searching for the small things, the little daily occurrences that fill you up inside.

These little joys are the first thing to stutter when depression takes over, but they do not have to be lost forever. There’s no wonder why “Practicing Gratitude” has taken over the self help sphere. It’s because when you take your focus off of yourself, when you stop making yourself a victim and recognize the good things you have, you change your mindset, and you start attracting even more things to be grateful for.

How do you practice gratitude?

Fit it into your daily routine. Journal. Stand in front of a mirror and recite it to yourself. Talk to yourself on your commute to work. It doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you do it consistently and intentionally.

The little things are what life is made of. They are what YOU are made of. They are the most important pieces of success and joy. Don’t let the magnitude of your big picture overwhelm your patience and your daily choices to be the person you want to be.

An Assisted Suicide

Death demands a relationship with us, whether we accept or deny. You can fear it, run from it, and try to delay it, but there is an inevitability in life that you can always count on. It will end.

Morality and Medicine was published in 1954 by Josef Fletcher, illustrating his observations on the impending controversy regarding the right to die. Four years later, Lael Wertenbaker published Death of a Man, portraying the story of how she helped her husband commit suicide.

Science and belief have been closely intertwined throughout the history of time, and while black and white hard truths would be infinitely easier to digest, the reality is as grey as the uneasy sky outside, swelling with unshed tears.

Night is falling, but the sky has been heavy for hours, an omniscient presence promising to wash us all away. I’m sitting with someone I love, our feet propped on an outdoor table, matching chairs with jewel toned cushions. We alternate between looking out at the darkening sky and sharing even darker expressions. Pain. Sadness. Impossibility. Exhaustion.

There voice takes on a cutting edge, laced with bitterness.

“People say you should think of your family and friends, but what about yourself? What about the pain I’m in?”

They look at me, eyes glistening, and the heartbreak in their downturned shoulders, their silent tears and slow moving lips, as if talking is an effort they wish to be free from.

“I just want permission to die,” They say in a small voice.

I’ve never felt so helpless, so impossibly human and incapable because I don’t know how to make this better. Worse still, I know exactly how they’re feeling. I remember all too easily that hopeless and dark slippery hole. Bloody fingernails with broken edges, slicked mud and grime coating your skin from fighting to claw your way out of the depths of a mind you no longer understand.

How do you help them when you have no rope to throw? What do you do when you lean over the edge, your outstretched arm an impossible distance from their reach? What happens when they lean against the slick wall, rivulets running down their arms, their legs, a never ending flow of blood and tears?

Mental health has been so glamorized in recent media that it’s easy to forget that depression isn’t a normal mindset. Suicide is regarded with such flippant tongue that admission of these thoughts are blanketed, swept under a rug of shrugged shoulders and “what do you want me to do about it” kind of attitudes.

The Death with Dignity website released an Oregon 2018 report on the use of physician assisted suicide, claiming that more than 60% of patients were over 65 and had cancer, and 90% were on hospice at the time of death. The most frequently recorded reasons for death were loss of dignity, loss of autonomy and decreasing ability to participate in activities that made life enjoyable.

Depression is a wet blanket thrown over the heat of joy. It’s a glass jar, enclosing even the slightest of flames, nothing left but a burnt wick and the slight scent of something that used to be. The numb detachment isn’t even the worst part. It’s not being able to understand why your brain has turned on you, why your thoughts have grown thorns, pricking into your mind with debilitating slurs and cruel promises.

You are worthless, It purrs, shoving you further into the hopelessness until the only light is the flash of a gun or the streetlights so very far below. Alone, it can be impossible to see anything else, but the exhaustive trap of mental health is not a terminal illness. There is treatment. There is help. There is hope, even if people like my friend can’t see it yet.

Death with Dignity is a final resort to physical pain that exists through a terminal end. Emotional suffering is not a terminal case. Suicide is not dignified. Mental illness is not glorious.

I’ve been sitting on these thoughts for the entirety of National Suicide Awareness week, unable to wrap up my thoughts without preaching or getting spiritual, but it’s nearly impossible. Life purpose is entwined with spiritual ideals, and every person out there is fighting the same battle, searching for the things that make it all worth it. That doesn’t need a religion or right winged cult to be acknowledged.

There is no trophy for gathering up all your achievements and proclaiming that you are more deserving than another. You were born a human being on this earth, you deserve to be here, experience the beauty of living and loving and feeling.

We screw up. It’s part of that innate thing that makes you human, but what matters is how you react with the knowledge you gain. Forgiveness and self acceptance are close friends, and loving yourself starts with being able to forgive your mistakes.

Life moves as a flow of cause and effect. You are part of that web, integral to the outcome of the world. Everything you do has an impact greater than you could ever imagine, and a smile, a kind gesture, a helping hand all contribute to the bigger picture.

You matter on a micro level. You have a direct impact on the relationships surrounding you, your environment, people and creatures less fortunate. You mean something to them. You are important, and the world would in no way shape or form be a better place without you in it. So many people would be worse off without you in it.

Death with Dignity is for the hopeless, the terminal patients whose physical ailments have become too difficult to overcome. The body breaks down a lot faster than the mind, and there are so many people trained to help you out of that deep dark hole.

Life is full of hardship. You will be disappointed. You will feel shame and regret, but existing in your pain and suffering may as well be a living death. Suicide takes away your opportunity to experience the full spectrum of this world, and how dare you take that away from you, a human being full of infinite potential, if only they would believe they were capable.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline Call 1-800-273-8255

Free Suicide Text Help https://www.crisistextline.org/

https://www.deathwithdignity.org/assisted-dying-chronology/
https://www.deathwithdignity.org/oregon-death-with-dignity-act-annual-reports/

What Motorcycles Teach About Life

I recently passed my motorcycle certification, gaining that coveted ‘M’ endorsement on my license. Only a handful of my friends and family shared my enthusiasm for roadtrips and winding roads, opting instead to saddle me with statistics and deeply ingrained fears.

I can’t blame someone for loving me, even if it’s constricting and consuming, swaying me to a life of comfort, safety and predictability. Hesitation and blatant disapproval are always met the same way.

“Something’s got to kill me,” and “Even if my life’s short, at least it will be full of experiences.”

What’s the point in living a long life if it’s filled with a repeated day, lived over and over again until you retire and die? How many people sit on their death bed and regret the chances they took versus the ones they never took?

Motorcycles are incredibly dangerous. The risk of crash or injury greatly increases, but the parallels between riding a bike and living your life are surprising. There’s a lot you can learn from the danger, exhilaration and risk.

Be intentional.

Society sets a standard for fulfillment, and it is easy to be swayed by the current of societal ideals. Mass understanding can be alluring, noticeable in the sweep of it’s tide. For the longest time, a good life started with graduating with a degree, marrying your high school sweetheart and raising a family while you started your career.

When you get on a motorcycle, you cannot follow a standard flow. There is a certain level of expectation that comes with a machine that tends to slip unnoticed by other drivers. Assume you’re invisible, and every move you make has to be intentional to your safe and ridiculously fun travel.

Life is similar in that there is no one set model for success or happiness. Do not let anyone dictate how you should live your life. Ultimately, the only person who benefits from your life choices is you. Be intentional with your relationships, your career and what fills your cup. There are no limits to what life you can create for yourself.

Be prepared for anything.

Piggybacking off the idea that intention matters, you must also prepare for anything. Motorcycles are smaller and less noticeable than cars, and it is very easy for distracted drivers to miss a motorcyclist completely. You have to ride with a backup plan. Do not let an unexpected turn derail you from your path.

Life will throw you every curveball you can imagine. It is full of disappointment and hardship, and you cannot let those low points keep you from moving forward, continuing on to the next gorgeous view or fulfilling pit stop. The idea isn’t to experience happiness all the time, it’s to maintain perspective that happiness and success are just around the corner.

Take your time, and enjoy the trip.

At the risk of utilizing every cliche in the book, I will rephrase this over utilized idea as best I can, but I’m allowing it’s repetition for the sake of humanity’s forgetfulness. Either caught up in monotony or familial obligation, we have a tendency to fall into muscle memory, similar to driving home from work, only to pull into your driveway and forget how you got there.

Motorcycles don’t allow for muscle memory. Every part of you is poised and prepared, one hand hovering on the clutch, the other on the throttle and front brake. One foot is handling the shifter and the other taps the rear brake. Shoulders relaxed and eyes on the horizon while your peripherals watch for unwanted creatures in your path.

It’s an exhilarating sort of meditation, complete awareness of your body and where you are in the present moment, something I often struggle to experience. The constant blur of needing to work harder and be more successful than you were last year or your neighbor was the year before is an exhausting way to live, and before you know it, you’ll be on your death bed.

If we could maintain presence in our daily lives, focusing on the little decisions that compound into big consequences, we could open a life we never thought possible, and who knows, maybe it starts with a motorcycle helmet and an unexplainable pull towards open road.

Why Loving You Wasn’t Enough

The English language does quite a disservice in expressing the many forms of love. We love our romantic partners, our parents and our pets, but we love them all differently. Our first love will never feel the same as our last, and falling in love and being in love are entirely different beasts. 

Argentinian designer, Jazmin Batista, did a collection of drawings to accompany foreign words that fail translation into English. Gorgeous words that encompass feelings I have never been able to vocalize had been lost to my ignorant monolingual brain. “What if” is a dangerous game, but it taps my shoulder, whispering it’s wonder in my ear. 

I was eighteen when I fell in love for the first time. It’s hard to look back on now because it’s something I am still trying to forgive. I’ve existed with this feeling of inadequacy for so long, the faults I had in that relationship easily reinforce feelings of not being good enough, but when talking about love, it’s important to start with the fire blazing first. 

Bright blue eyes met an even brighter smile, and even though he fit with the muscular guys at the gym, I wasn’t immediately on my guard. I may have forgotten his name, but his face felt familiar. It wasn’t long before I needed those foreign words to help me ground the current of my teenage emotions. 

IKTSUARPOK – Inuit // The feeling of anticipation when waiting for someone to arrive. 

He wasn’t my anything, and yet my phone remained clutched in my sweaty palms, eagerly checking every few moments to see if he had responded. 

“Why don’t you just call him?” My aunt wondered.

I shook my head, thinking that she didn’t understand. “We’re just friends. I think he likes Heather, anyway.” 

The first year of our relationship felt like time suspended in a golden hued sunset, the light warm and perfect. Evenings spent alone, tangled limbs or contented conversations. My memory likes to paint those days in a blur of depth and intensity, only felt by a teenager in love. 

VIRAAG – Hindi // The emotional pain felt when being away from the one you love.

The physical pain of loving you was more excruciating than anything I had ever felt, and when we fought, it was terrible. It was so long ago, the why was lost shortly after the what, but I do remember the hysteria, the fleeting pieces of my sanity unraveling with a dead cell phone battery. That fight was the first one that truly broke a piece of me. Mom held me while I cried, her arms the only thing keeping me from shattering. 

That wasn’t the only fight, but it is the one that stands out in my mind as the beginning of the end. Viraag started to waver. I no longer minded if we were together or if we were apart, but that was normal, right? We were our own people, right?

I fell in love with you for your kindness and the genuine joy you shared for the people close to you. I loved your strength, and not the physical kind but the enduring kind. It came from enduring a life of being disappointed and having to work for everything you had. I loved how you made me feel beautiful. Sexy.

The evolution of love is most often discrete, only noticeable until open ocean surrounds you, and there is no sign of land. Distance separated us, even as we slept in the same bed. Your silence was deafening, until you reminded me of my inadequacy, and then that was all I could see.

LA DOULEUR EXQUISE – French // The heartbreaking pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

It crept up on me, the knowledge that we had grown and our pieces no longer fit. I didn’t know you like I should, and even though you were tight lipped, I should have pried apart your teeth and searched with light and tongue depressor. Nearly four years had passed, and we both stepped lightly, biting our tongues and neatly toeing around a reality neither one of us wanted to face. 

ONSRA – Boro language of India // Loving for the last time; that bittersweet feeling you get when you know a love won’t last.

It hurt to see you, someone who used to bring me so much happiness, my lover, my partner, my friend. Hindsight offers a certain clarity, but I still think it would have been easier if I hated you. The future I had unknowingly crafted for us shattered like a glass vase on a marble floor, and moving on was walking through the slivers barefoot. 

We had been eyeing the gun for a while. I may have pulled the trigger, but you loaded the chamber, fragile promises too weak to stand on their own two feet. You chose so many others over me, so I started to choose myself, convincing myself that we would both be better off without each other. 

Anger followed my heart ache, and I hated how easily you moved past me. There was a change just after the break, where I felt inundated with the reminder of you, kind, caring and good. How could you be so much for others, but you couldn’t be those things for me? 

RAZBLIUTO  – Russian // The sentimental feeling you can often feel towards someone you used to loved but no longer do.

You cross my mind every now and then, a bittersweet tinge every time I dream of travels to New Zealand. There’s so much hurt tangled around the good, and I don’t know if I’m more disappointed in you or myself. The way I made a clean break when you could have used a friend, is something I still haven’t forgiven. 

Falling in love for the first time is a physically exhausting experience. The ebb and flow of personal growth will sink or swim the relationship, and the cataclysmic way it feels, only intensifies the good, the bad and the ugly. Loving you wasn’t enough because I was tired of forcing our pieces to match. 

The romantic idealism of one true and happily ever after doesn’t prepare us for the depth of falling in love, the many layers of tumultuous emotions. I never thought I’d be able to love anyone the way I love crisp mountain air and breathtaking vistas. The tumultuous love was all I knew. I believed that was all I would ever have, but idealism and the english language fail us in love. 

MERAKI – Greek // Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.

Unconditional love is hard to define. If I were to paint the smooth lines, they would instill a wash of unwavering strength and comfort because to love unconditionally is the greatest kind of love there is. It’s a soul deep bond that is extended without consent, and it promises to be there no matter the circumstance. 

Love is terrifying and painful, but it’s worth every agonizing blow. It is one of the greatest experiences you will ever have, and you’ll remember that when the heartache has dimmed, and new love demands its way into your heart. Most often it finds you when you least expect, and I promise it will often be more than you ever imagined you could deserve.